The Ethics of Humiliation
I’ve
met a lot of submissives/bottoms who are uncomfortable with
humiliation, and understandably so. There’s nothing wrong with having
buttons, triggers, or just things that do not turn you on. Or to simply
not share the trust necessary for such play with anyone.
I’ve also met a ton of Dominants who dislike humiliation play. They see a scenario where a cruel woman is kicking a man in the balls, telling him his penis is small, that he is worthless, etc, etc. Maybe they think that it is just too cruel, too far to go.
That is certainly a reasonable feeling to have... when we’ve spent our entire lives being told to be nice and polite and not say such horrid things, it is hard to undo that training.
And when such a Dominant pictures treating their own submissive in this way, they think: Why on earth would I want to do this? This makes no sense. I want a valuable submissive, someone beautiful, attractive. Not some “worthless worm.” And that is certainly a reasonable want as well.
There seems to be a particular dichotomy between the professional Dominant and the lifestyle Dominant’s stance on humiliation. Many professional Dominant’s profiles I’ve seen start out with humiliation even in the marketing: Bow before me, worthless pig! You will never be man enough to fuck me! You’re a loser.
Many of my clients, perhaps as many as 50%, enjoy humiliation play.
While many lifestylers list humiliation play as a hard or soft limit.
I partially chalk this up to the fact that professional Dominants (and their clients) often have strong boundaries between each other, emotionally. They don’t want to become attached. They are operating in a highly emotional situation where tensions run high. In such a dynamic it would be far too easy to fall in love or in lust with one another, and yet, that is not appropriate and could lead to some serious heartbreaks. Having a very stern and brutal relationship creates a sturdy wall against connection.
I have also been told by someone that it is easier for them to accept humiliation from a pro-Domme because they don’t need to see the Domme in day-to-day life. During play, they can be degraded and humiliated, and not have to look the person who delivered this humiliation in the eyes later. They are unable to trust that after play a woman could look at them the same way, and so they choose to play with a woman who won’t look at them again at all.
I think that many pro-Dommes also become bitter and jaded because they aren’t very careful or selective about who they see. They play with absolutely anyone, and as such, end up playing with a lot of abusive, manipulative, cruel, dishonorable people. They start to truly and genuinely hate their clients and to think of submissives as lesser than them.
(I have had to fight, hard, to protect myself from this jadedness as well. And as such, I am now one of the most selective pro-Dommes I have ever met.)
But, nevermind, about the trials and tribulations of professional Domination. I wanted to share my own way of going about humiliation play.
I do engage in this type of play fairly heavily, and I enjoy it very much. But I have developed some requirements and limits that I have put into place in order to practice it as responsibly as I can. You may have different requirements and limits, and I respect that. But here are mine.
A submissive might enjoy humiliation play for a number of reasons. They may be attracted to the idea of a cruel Dominant, someone who appears to have no care or consideration for them. They may enjoy playing out the scenario of humiliation because they had a bad experience in their past with being bullied or teased and it helps to relive it on their own terms. Or they may just fetishize the words and not even have an understanding of why -- it just turns them on.
A Dominant may enjoy humiliation play for similar reasons. They might love the power rush and the cruelty: emotional sadism. Or they might have been bullied in the past and turning that same cruelty on someone else is enjoyable. Or, it might just be sexy to them for whatever reason.
Either way, the fact remains that this type of play may be a deep seated need for someone to explore. Despite the psychological danger that it entails.
So... as for my limits, I only do humiliation play with people who KNOW I don’t really mean the cruel things I say or do.
That goes for both my clients and my personal life submissives... in fact, I enjoy humiliation play even more with personal life playmates because of the incredible bond of trust developed that allows me to push further without as much fear that I am doing real damage to their psyche.
When I call someone a loser, or a slut, or tell them I am revolted by them... I have to know first that I really, really don’t feel that way. That I actually respect the person, care about them, and enjoy their company.
And more importantly, I need to know that they really know and believe that I respect them & care about them too.
Interestingly enough, a lot of potential clients won’t play with me because of that. Because I require it to all be a fantasy, a scene, and not reality. Because I WON’T stay in character constantly right away. I’ve had my dominance questioned and scoffed at because of it.
But I have very strong beliefs about the matter. I don’t want to play with someone who can’t separate fantasy from reality, and I don’t want to play with someone who would want to really play with someone who actually felt that their submissive was lesser than them.
I see it much like consensual non-consent. It is fun to engage in CNC scenes, but you would not want to actually rape someone or actually be raped. In this way, it is fun to do humiliation play but I am not comfortable with playing with someone who I actually believe to be deserving of real humiliation.
It is certainly playing with very dark aspects of all participants personalities. But it is PLAYING, nonetheless.
I admit that when I see for the thousandth time someone scoffing at a video where a submissive is laying at the ground simpering about how unworthy they are to kiss their goddess’ feet..... when they profess how they want only a submissive who knows their worth, who is no doormat....
I cannot help but bristle a bit in defense of my own submissives and the kinks we engage in. No matter what you may see me say, or see me do in a scene.... No one I play with is unworthy. No one I play with is a loser. They are all beautiful, strong, intelligent people who have CHOSEN to allow me to degrade them and humiliate them.
You simply do not yet know the amazing rush of having a handsome, intelligent, ethical, honest, kind submissive boy laying at your feet doing something quite degrading while you tell him what a pathetic, sexless virgin he is....
…. when just a few hours earlier, you had been out in public and seen you had been delighted to be seen arm-in-arm.... kissing a person you are proud to be with....
Share with me your thoughts on humiliation? For or against, and why?
I’ve also met a ton of Dominants who dislike humiliation play. They see a scenario where a cruel woman is kicking a man in the balls, telling him his penis is small, that he is worthless, etc, etc. Maybe they think that it is just too cruel, too far to go.
That is certainly a reasonable feeling to have... when we’ve spent our entire lives being told to be nice and polite and not say such horrid things, it is hard to undo that training.
And when such a Dominant pictures treating their own submissive in this way, they think: Why on earth would I want to do this? This makes no sense. I want a valuable submissive, someone beautiful, attractive. Not some “worthless worm.” And that is certainly a reasonable want as well.
There seems to be a particular dichotomy between the professional Dominant and the lifestyle Dominant’s stance on humiliation. Many professional Dominant’s profiles I’ve seen start out with humiliation even in the marketing: Bow before me, worthless pig! You will never be man enough to fuck me! You’re a loser.
Many of my clients, perhaps as many as 50%, enjoy humiliation play.
While many lifestylers list humiliation play as a hard or soft limit.
I partially chalk this up to the fact that professional Dominants (and their clients) often have strong boundaries between each other, emotionally. They don’t want to become attached. They are operating in a highly emotional situation where tensions run high. In such a dynamic it would be far too easy to fall in love or in lust with one another, and yet, that is not appropriate and could lead to some serious heartbreaks. Having a very stern and brutal relationship creates a sturdy wall against connection.
I have also been told by someone that it is easier for them to accept humiliation from a pro-Domme because they don’t need to see the Domme in day-to-day life. During play, they can be degraded and humiliated, and not have to look the person who delivered this humiliation in the eyes later. They are unable to trust that after play a woman could look at them the same way, and so they choose to play with a woman who won’t look at them again at all.
I think that many pro-Dommes also become bitter and jaded because they aren’t very careful or selective about who they see. They play with absolutely anyone, and as such, end up playing with a lot of abusive, manipulative, cruel, dishonorable people. They start to truly and genuinely hate their clients and to think of submissives as lesser than them.
(I have had to fight, hard, to protect myself from this jadedness as well. And as such, I am now one of the most selective pro-Dommes I have ever met.)
But, nevermind, about the trials and tribulations of professional Domination. I wanted to share my own way of going about humiliation play.
I do engage in this type of play fairly heavily, and I enjoy it very much. But I have developed some requirements and limits that I have put into place in order to practice it as responsibly as I can. You may have different requirements and limits, and I respect that. But here are mine.
A submissive might enjoy humiliation play for a number of reasons. They may be attracted to the idea of a cruel Dominant, someone who appears to have no care or consideration for them. They may enjoy playing out the scenario of humiliation because they had a bad experience in their past with being bullied or teased and it helps to relive it on their own terms. Or they may just fetishize the words and not even have an understanding of why -- it just turns them on.
A Dominant may enjoy humiliation play for similar reasons. They might love the power rush and the cruelty: emotional sadism. Or they might have been bullied in the past and turning that same cruelty on someone else is enjoyable. Or, it might just be sexy to them for whatever reason.
Either way, the fact remains that this type of play may be a deep seated need for someone to explore. Despite the psychological danger that it entails.
So... as for my limits, I only do humiliation play with people who KNOW I don’t really mean the cruel things I say or do.
That goes for both my clients and my personal life submissives... in fact, I enjoy humiliation play even more with personal life playmates because of the incredible bond of trust developed that allows me to push further without as much fear that I am doing real damage to their psyche.
When I call someone a loser, or a slut, or tell them I am revolted by them... I have to know first that I really, really don’t feel that way. That I actually respect the person, care about them, and enjoy their company.
And more importantly, I need to know that they really know and believe that I respect them & care about them too.
Interestingly enough, a lot of potential clients won’t play with me because of that. Because I require it to all be a fantasy, a scene, and not reality. Because I WON’T stay in character constantly right away. I’ve had my dominance questioned and scoffed at because of it.
But I have very strong beliefs about the matter. I don’t want to play with someone who can’t separate fantasy from reality, and I don’t want to play with someone who would want to really play with someone who actually felt that their submissive was lesser than them.
I see it much like consensual non-consent. It is fun to engage in CNC scenes, but you would not want to actually rape someone or actually be raped. In this way, it is fun to do humiliation play but I am not comfortable with playing with someone who I actually believe to be deserving of real humiliation.
It is certainly playing with very dark aspects of all participants personalities. But it is PLAYING, nonetheless.
I admit that when I see for the thousandth time someone scoffing at a video where a submissive is laying at the ground simpering about how unworthy they are to kiss their goddess’ feet..... when they profess how they want only a submissive who knows their worth, who is no doormat....
I cannot help but bristle a bit in defense of my own submissives and the kinks we engage in. No matter what you may see me say, or see me do in a scene.... No one I play with is unworthy. No one I play with is a loser. They are all beautiful, strong, intelligent people who have CHOSEN to allow me to degrade them and humiliate them.
You simply do not yet know the amazing rush of having a handsome, intelligent, ethical, honest, kind submissive boy laying at your feet doing something quite degrading while you tell him what a pathetic, sexless virgin he is....
…. when just a few hours earlier, you had been out in public and seen you had been delighted to be seen arm-in-arm.... kissing a person you are proud to be with....
Share with me your thoughts on humiliation? For or against, and why?
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